So here we are the very final day of this foul year of our lord, 2002. It has been quite the year though I must admit, yes, this year has been something special. Alot of things have happened that can only be described as fantastic in every way.
-Passed my A-levels with flyings colours.
-Got into Uni.
-Moved away from the wretched crone.
-Lost a shit load of weight, Im no longer the ultra fat bastard.
-Went back to Tenerife.
-Had females show an interest in me.
Yea it has been fucking werid. I geuss this one has changed my view point on alot of things. There is definalty not as much Rage flowing around my system as there used to be. Well, at least not about some things, poltics still boils my blood into some kind of hell bent anti-right attack. You may have noted I started this post calling 2002 a foul year then going on to say what a great time Ive had. I may have had a great time but things arent all good in this world, for too many people this has been a terrible year. It has seen more attrocities carried out. America will bomb iraq for having nuclear weapons then said it would do nothing about Korea. That would make a nice new years wish, peace on earth.
Jess is coming down to see me tomorrow and staying till Friday. I told her Ill take her to Broad Street on Thursday. Started to whip a posse togeather for it, two definates so far(Clowe and Payne). Im looking forward to touching down on Broad Street again. Fish said he didnt want to come because of the Taxis. They have stopped taxis from going onto Broad Street altogeather because of the traffic problems. Ive never got a taxi back frm there, always used the bus so I dont know what he is complaining about. Hopefully Bill should be down, if he is back from his New Years madness.
So raise a glass of your favourite booze to the New Year ladies and gents. May George Bush be empeached!
Ill be in the Rose and Crown from 7 with Phil killing myself with a large amount of alcohol. There is gonna be about 200 people there, Payne got one of the very last tickets.
Oh yea I went to Spoons last night.
I feel as this is a special occasion I shall end the post with a favourite quote of mine:
I always write with my .357 magnum handy. Why? Well, you never know when God may try to interfere - Hunter s thompson
Blaggard [10:44 AM]
January 5th cant come fast enough. Ive had enough of the fucking Crone now. They just wont leave me in peace to do some fucking work. I wish she would just accept the fact she was a shit mother when it counted and let me get on with my life, I wish she would do the same as well. Less than 3 weeks back here and we are sniping and shouting at each other just as we used to. After 3 months I finally got over the paranoid shit she pumped into me, yet it is flowing back. The fact is that this isnt my home, Im not happy here and havent been for years. I want to get back to Aber just so I can relax and be me. I am dreading the summer like nothing else, Dave has the right idea. Never come back. If only I had that kind of scratch.
Blaggard [2:16 PM]
I dont know why I felt like posting this little story but I just felt like it. I imagine most people have heard of the Philadelphia expiriment, when they tried to make a ship become invisible. Well the ship used as you probably know was the U.S.S Eldridge. Sometime after the ship was sold to the Greeks. When I was 15 I happened to be on my way to a pretty remote island in Greece that had a navel base on it, as we were coming into dock I saw the U.S.S Eldridge on the navel dock. Was about 200-300m from it. Only now do I wish Id taken a load of photos of it, not many can say they came that close to a peice of history.
Blaggard [12:55 PM]
I really could do with doing lots of work today, unfortunatly I do mean lots of work as well and the same tomorrow. This of course the last thing I want to even consider at this point in time. I want to enjoy my holiday and sit around reading books and playing games. It doesnt look likely though. Hopefully Jess is coming down sometime on New Years day and staying till Friday, Im not even going to think about work while she is here. Her evil bastard employers are making her work on New Years Eve which sucks pretty bad, least she will get a load of money to try and dig her out of financial hell. It will be really good to see her again.
Until then what is on the agenda. Well tonight I will most likely go to Wetherspoons much to my livers disgust, Clowe wants to go out there 2nite. I think mainly so we can all pay him the money we owe for getting these tickets. Its all good. Tonight I think I will take it slow and quiet. A couple of pints but quite possibly a large amount of cigarettes. Then Tuesday is the hideous piss up that will be New Years Eve, no doubt once again I will have to suffer the never ending drunken insults from Pete(Clowes Dad) but nevermind. He will probably buy me a pint when he is drunk enough. Should be quite a good night, Im looking forward to it.
So nothing left to do except trying to get as much work done as possible before these times and hopefully get in a load of time on the playstation as I probably wont see the thing till June, its imperative I find out how Final Fantasy X ends before then, the story has gotten into my mind.
Blaggard [10:41 AM]
Well it looks as if Xmas is pretty much done and dusted now. Im starting to build my work level up to something that more resembles the start of exam season, which is definatly doing wonders for my peace of mind. New Years frenzy is starting to build itself up around the place. Ive actually got tickets to somewhere which means no Black Horse this year. Im going to the Rose and Crown with Fish, Mo, Clowe, Clowes Mom and Clowes Dad. Should be a good night, despite Doofus still working behind the bar. Nevermind, he is alright with me these days anyway.
So yes Im going to do some 152 in a bit, just read through a load of chapters I think. The thought of making anymore notes at the moment makes my head pulsate in a werid fashion.
Ive been thinking of New Years resolutions. Im going to do E's and Coke next year.
Blaggard [4:55 PM]
K so much for that Xmas day post eh ?
Xmas eve was something I definatly needed. It was one of those proper drunken freakouts that I havent done in too long. I had significant memory holes, it was great fun. Threw about 10 pints down my neck and a couple of high powered shots. Had a balti. Staggered home vomiting and stole a traffic cone. Came round at 6am sprawled across the floor with a big grin on my face. Yes I felt like shit all day but I had a fuckin excellent time. My dad forced me to go to the pub with him on xmas day, didnt stay there long though. Had one and came back here. Yes Ive got a pretty good loot this year. It wasnt the worst Xmas Ive had.
I was hoping Jess would be sitting here with me right now but she has to work tomorrow. She said she would try and come down in the few days after New Years as she doesent think she is working then. It will be good to see her. I wish I had managed to cram in the time to get to Colwyn Bay to see them lot but it doesent like its gonna happen now. Wish Gem and Rach would have come down as well. I really do miss Gemma.
Done nothing since. Mo wanted to go and see Lord of the Ring 2nite, but after the first one I think Id drather just go to the pub. Sure it may be a fantastic film, this time, but I know the pub will be at the very least, half interesting.
Moved a shed today, it took a long time and made my bones hurt. Got two free pints of Guinness out of it though, which is always nice. Im gonna play some Warcraft then roll my ass down to Spoons for a moderate night on the drink.
Blaggard [6:02 PM]
I know I said there was a big post planned for today. I intended to write one as well, but plans have to change now and then. For some reason this is one of them. Maybe Ill try and do something tommorrow.
Im off out now on a drunken freakout. I wonder if we can get Fuckup arrestted this year, infact I think I will just suggest it to him. If he bothers to turn up of course.
Blaggard [6:54 PM]
Well a few things have happened since Iast churned out a post. Saturday we went back down to spoons. It was definatly a better night than Friday, it was less crowed and the atmosphere was just a lot more friendly. Mo had gotten back a day early, it was nice to see the chap again. Chances are after this holiday I wont see him till June/July time. I know he is not moving back here in the Summer, he already told me that. He has got nowhere to stay anyways, he invited me to go and spend a few days there with him over the summer. I will probably go. Spoke to Dunc as well in the pub, not seen him in a while. He has a pretty well paying job with the council these days. Still the boozer he always was though. Ive started drinking Guiness as well, never really liked the stuff last time I tried it about 3 years ago. Just decided to try a pint on Saturday. It turned into three pints, it is a particulary nice brew. After the pub Mo came back here and we cracked into the Cannabis vodka, he told me all about Petra and some bad noise that happened with her in the house last week. The boy is obviously in love with her although he wont admit it. He was surprised to hear my ass had a girlfriend. I was surprised as well. In the end he left about 1:45am.
Done nothing since then. As far as I know I will be doing nothing 2nite as well, unless a couple of goons phone me up to go to Spoons. I doubt it though, tomorrow is Xmas eve afterall. Xmas eve is gettin a bit of hype going on around it. The last two have seen me get drunk of my ass, last year is legandary with Fuckup and Clowe doing some hideous drunken freakout in the old Ameena balti house. Yes, we will be returning there this year as well. We are going to have a very heavy session in Spoons beforehand. Before I go back Id like to kick back in some of the other pubs. Rose and Crown for starters. The R+C looks like a prime starter for New Years Eve at the moment, if we get tickets. Failing that then Im afraid it will be the dreaded Black Horse again. We have the collective organisational skills of a dead rabbit so it probably will be the Black Horse.
Nothing really planned this week after Xmas Eve. Xmas day will be quiet in every sense I imagine, just a relaxing fuck around. Open a few presents, eat some turkey. All the usual stuff. Friday Im going to help move a shed, then Im told we are going for a drink afterwards, that should be quite nice.
So today Ive done quite a bit of revision, well more than I have any other day, the levels are building up at an agreeable pace. Im watching the ski jumping world cup at the moment. Ski jumping is about the only sport I like to watch. Hanniwald is doing absolutly shite this year, he was the three hills champion last year. He is out the competition, not even close to the top. Speaking of that the Three Hills starts again this weekend. Chances are I will miss it as Jess will be hopefully coming to stay. Hmmm, better tell The Crone about that one actually.
So yea, I will crank out a proper Christmassy post tomorrow, I feel even less bothered about it than ever before though. Ever since I left High School Xmas just dont seem like fun anymore, despite Xmas eve.
Yea so Merry Christmas, till tomorrow.
Blaggard [3:36 PM]
Last night we went to Spoons. It was nice to be back in there on a Friday night. The bouncer remembered me and welcomed me back. It was nice to sit in there with the lads and sink a load of beers and talk about absoltue bullshit until 11pm then roll out the door wishing the bouncer goodnight and heading home. Yeah it was definatly nice to do it all again.
Spoons on a Friday night isnt really what it used to be like, I dont think Old Abbot and the Weridy Beardy drink there anymore. Hehe, it would have nice to have seen those old boys again. Infact I only recognised a couple of people in there. The bar staff are still the same as ever, one new face behind the bar. The bouncer who always used to talk to me was still there and a new guy is with him. Things there have changed I suppose in someways. More people than ever before, it was rammed. Would you beileve there was actaully a queue to get into Spoons. That I have never seen before.
Meant to be goin to Broad Street 2nite I dont know if its gonna pan out though. I anit goin with just Fuckup cause that means two things. Its solely down to me to stop Fuckup getting his head kicked in and Ill have to get back from central Brum by myself, its enevitable he will have a drunken freakout and decided to go to Handsworth for a laugh or something equally as ridiculous. If Ref and Snead go then I 2 will probably go. I do wanna go back to Broad Street at least once this holiday. Ill take Jess there if nothing else.
Haha in stupid kid news a group of kids stopped me and asked me to get them some beer. I just turned round and said:
"I cant get served, Im only 12"
The little street urchin didnt take kindly to that, I just laughed at him anyways. I could have crushed the skull of him and his 2 m8s without a thought, I think he understood this as well.
Anyway Im off down The Bell in Walsall for a free lunch. I fancy some pasta.
Blaggard [11:05 AM]
Its amazing how songs can remind you off shit. Take Coolios Gangstas Paradise. It is a song that definatly reminds me of my youth, that xmas I had doom 2 and Simon the Sorcerorer 2 for Xmas. It really was a good few hours. I really liked being a kid, growing up tears us apart.
Whatever is fun now is whatever grounds the brain for the longest possible time. Before it was fun to be alive, you grow up and the most exciting thing is tryin to do yourself in. What is wrong with us ?
Blaggard [12:19 AM]
Today sees a new branch in The Boozehound blog, a dip into restaurent reviews. I only wish to write a review mainly because I had absolute shite service in there. This particular establishment shall get its slating now:
Frankie and Bennys at the Merry Hill Centre. We had to wait 1hr 30mins for food which wouldat most take 20mins to prepare. Then we had to pay a hideous price, I didnt mind at first because I was told it would large portions. I think that filth merchant Mc Donalds would have provided more food. To be honest it wasnt all that nice either. Sam paid £7 for pasta, she got 5 peices of pasta. On the plus side they forgot to charge me for my Stella so they are down in that respect. Fuck em. No one liked it in there. We were about to walk out when our food actually turned up. We should have gone to a balti house or the chinese like originaly planned. Needless to say I wont be going anywhere near these fucks again, not unless Im drunk and armed. As we were leaving I saw some boy racer getting booked by the piggies. I laughed at him. He only looked about 12.
So yea it was a bit of a belly up last night. This weekend shall bring new entertainment in the form of Broad Street on Sat and possible a drinking contest tomorrow night. Even if these two things balls up there is Xmas Eve. Im looking forward to that the most this year. We are planning to do the Spoons and then Ameena combination. After last years hilarious consequences it cant fail to entertain. Unless I have my sights set too high.
I actually did some work today as well. Who knows I may pass this semester.
Blaggard [9:15 PM]
I want to burn this town into the fucking ground.
Blaggard [12:12 AM]
Last night was nice. It was chilled out and relaxed, infact it was just like old times really. Me, Bill, Ears and Snead went down to Rileys to play pool for a bit. Then we went to the Spoons on the Waterfront. It was Tuesday night and one of the clubs was absolutly going wild. Went into spoons and the cheeky fuck of a barmaid ID'd me. I laughed under my breath and said something like "What the fuck". Its not like im underage anyways, far from it now. Sat down with my vodka and we talked the same old bullshit at each other we used to talk. Accept we are now all different. Hehe, Ears even said Im not the same guy he remembers. Ears has started smoking, only Marlboro Lights mind. Ill get him onto the Reds before you know it. Came back here after and did some Cannabis Vodka. Snead has turned into a rudeboy Stoner.
Shit, I have exams in Janurary, best do some work eh? Well definatly sometime today. I have to go the dentists later!
Blaggard [11:18 AM]
So yesterday I went to pick up my exam certificates and did the reunion thing. It was kinda cool to see all the ole lot again. Spoke to Alex from physics, Martin Jones, Dave Allen and Doug. It was nice to be there again. My head started to swell when a lot of people were commenting on how good I look lately. That inturn made me feel pretty fucking good about myself.
We went to the pub then. Sat there all night. Went back to spoons. Just like it always was, pretty much the same bar staff, same drunks. No old abbot though. Bill got himself some tattos done, two little birds on eitheir side of his chest. Staggered back drunk and phoned Jess. Then Laura phoned me crying till 2am.
Blaggard [1:01 PM]
Ive been back less than an hour.
Ive had enough of this damned woman already. We argued the whole way back.
She screamed about mud on the floor. Im ready to knock her lights out.
Blaggard [6:18 PM]
Well it looks like Im leaving soon. I havent packed, instead Im sitting here listening to music at an unhealthily loud volume.
#Its no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy#
Blaggard [11:04 AM]
So now it is just me and Joesph. Khang headed off about 10 minutes ago. Im hauled up in here listening to Radiohead and doing nothing inparticular. I should be packing but I cant be bothered. Going home tomorrow is the last thing I want to do right now. I want to stay here and carry on with this lifestyle and lectures. I imagine Fish and Ben are almost back now. Payne is still here I think, I may call him later and see if he wants to go into town for a couple of quiet beers.
I got no idea what time The Crone is coming tomorrow, dont intend to phone and find out either. Ill just let her get on with it, let the chips fall where they may. Im thinking about getting up early tomorrow and going for a walk around town, down to the Sea. I know Im only going for three weeks but Im gonna miss this place so much. I never really understood why all the students who come here love Aber so much. Now maybe Im starting to.
Do you know what I miss about home? Bank's Mild. That stuff is like gold dust out here, hell its not that I really ever used to drink the stuff but now Im in a position where I cant get my hands on it I miss it. The union is closed now or I would probaly walk on over and get a paper. PJM is like a Ghost Town today. Everyone was leaving this morning, its so werid to not see this place buzzing with people. Its so strange to not hear music coming out of Palins room, not to smell cannabis from Cals and not to hear Ri laughing. Ben and Fish came round at noonish. We went to play pool but the amenity block is all bolted up. I may just hunker down and contemplate how fantastic and how much things have changed for me in this last three months.
Last night we went to The Glen and Varsity btw. No one was getting pissed up as they were travelling today. We got Spencer into the Snakebites though. He likes it. I havent had a good Snakebite in weeks.
Ive noticed I sometimes have a bit of Welsh in my accent.
Blaggard [4:43 PM]
Thursday night was pretty quiet. We were all completly screwed from that surreal night that was Re-Load. Me and Palin went for a couple of pints as he wanted to do something before he left. He went yesterday at about 1pm, him and Jason tore off. It is quite likely Ill spend a weekend or at least a night down with them all in North Wales. Jess stayed the night again last night.
We did not have sex. Everyone thinks otherwise. Infact the only people who know this are Jess and Gemma. Me and Gemma had a talk last night, I felt bad about keeping her up when she had to get up early to shoot out for home. Im glad we did though, it sorted out a lot of stuff in my mind. I think I know what I should do now, I really think me and Jess will make a go of it. Infact I think it really is the Right thing to do. Me and Gemma sorted everything out between us as well. Everything for once is finally on track.
Yet why do I just presume that things are about to go Hindenburg on me. Maybe for once God is giving me a break, maybe I will make my peace with God one day as well.
Im gonna meet up with Jess soon. Hehe she said she will come and stay with me for a while over Xmas, take her clubbing in Birmingham.
This is Jess.
Hehe, I crack jokes about her being an alcoholic from the valleys, she cracks ones about computer science geekiness. It is a mutally abusive relationship.
Blaggard [1:16 PM]
Holy fucking shit.
Nothing is static, everything is falling apart. Why now eh ? What the fuck is this shit? Anit it amazing how much stuff can change in the space of one day. We ended up going to Reload on the night as I expected. I bumped into Jess as soon as I got through the door. She kissed me on the cheek. This threw me completly, I was already paranoid about by the fact I had a part of chair leg in my pocket to crack people round the head with. Id found it outside the PJM. Anyways. I got pissed, talked to Payne half the night. Took lots of photos which Ill get developed sometime soon. Probably when I get back to Brum now. Yea anyways. As we were leaving Jess grabbed me. We kissed. We kissed somemore infront of around 500 people. I was trying to talk to Payne at the time. He seem to understand though. We stood to get her coat, we kissed somemore. I walked back to hers with Charlie. Charlie was twice as pissed as I was. All over the place, motor function was lacking. We got back to hers. Charlie was pretty insistent about telling us what she was cooking. We into Jess's room. We decided to come back to mine. She stayed the night.
We didnt have sex.
She left round 12:30 to go to a seminar. She is coming back tonight.
Nothing is static.
Blaggard [1:31 PM]
I just went over to give the other house their xmas presents. I tell you there is nothing like that feeling that you made someone smile. They all loved their presents, well Tracy and Jason werent there so I left them there for when they get back. Jason was unsurprisingly in the pub, I got him a litre of Grants. If it would have been anyone else I would have taken a bottle of Smirnoff instead but I know when it comes to that drinking machine quantity not quality is what is important. I hope Tracy likes her present. Gemma and Rachel seemed really pleased with theirs. Its nice to see people smile because of things youve done. No matter what else I made some people smile for a bit today, that makes me feel really good about myself.
Fish got me Cannabis Vodka. That rulez.
I hope everyone else likes their stuff when it arrives. I think Rihan will like hers, not sure about the others.
Blaggard [11:14 PM]
Doing a pub crawl tomorrow. Cool.
Blaggard [10:37 PM]
I have to go back to Birmingham on Sunday. God knows that Im dreading it. Just reading recent news, two shot, one literally 100m from my Grans house. A spate of muggings and gang violence in Halesowen. I just dont wanna go back to that fucking shit hole. I dont want to see The Crone. I dont want to have to get The Fear everytime I walk through the bus station. I dont want to have to deal with those bent coppers. I dont even see that place as home anymore, this is my home. All that shit before is just like a very bad dream. I never want to go back to it. Im putting of leaving as long as possible. What the fuck is waiting for me back there ? Nothing. My friends there have all left, sure it will be nice to see my comrades again. But that is it. I miss nothing else about that shit hole of town I was raised in. Fuck, who would miss drug fueled gang violence? people getting thrown out of tower blocks, a police force as crooked as the mafia. When the Crone came down here for that day we screaming at each other within two hours. Why cant she just get on with her own life now? Ive left, so be it. Let me fucking go.
Last night was actually pretty cool. Hardly anyone turned up as I expected but we got talking to some second year students and a girl on our course caled Allie. Everyone was really nice and not one person cracked a Java joke. When the BBQ wound up we headed on over to IndieSoc in The Bay. Never been there before but that was pretty cool as well. Allie came with us, and Joe(one of the guys who did the BBQ), was working security there. That was a lot of good fun. Triple Vodka for 99p. Needless to say Im feeling mighty ill this morning.
Not as ill as Ri though. She can barely move, we arent talking booze related illness here either. She rang the door bell, I opened the door and she was hunched up looking like she was about to either cry or puke. I gave her some paracetamol. She is packing a few things and heading home. She said she would be back on Friday, which is cool I can give her the present then and wish her well for the holiday. Im really gonna miss this place over xmas. The date Im planning to come back is getting sooner everyday. I love the people here. Alot of them seem like they actually care about what happens to me. That night me and Gemma spent on the beach. She ran out after from the Glen simply because she was worried about me. That shit would never have happened back in Birmingham. Aber is my home now and these people around me are my family.
Blaggard [11:50 AM]
Another night with very little sleep. My dreams are getting fucked up again. I dont think Im dealing with rejection as well as I thought. I think the turmoil is building within the sub. Today was the first time since last Wednesday when I actually felt really bad about being me. I had some werid fucked up dream last night that Gemma and Joesph got together. I woke up in a cold sweat at 7am. This shit cant go on for much longer. Dont get me wrong Im happier here in Aber than Ive been anywhere in my entire life, its just I guess some things never change. It fucking hurts.
After the xmas dinner thing last night I came back here and cried for about an hour, fuck only knows why. Then went to some party at Jess's house. The problem with it was we turned up too late were about 9 pints and 10 shots behind everyone else, Charlie had retired upstairs to fuck. There was hardly anyone there. Most went down the PJM bar, I just came back here and talked to Palin for a bit.
The work is out of the way now, there is an exam this afternoon but I dont need to pass it, dont even have to take it if I dont want to. Purely optional. I will however take it as the same questions may come up again in January exams. Im told its meant to be quite easy anyways. Then tonight Im going to the CompSoc BBQ with Fish. I intend to regain my reputation as an ultimate drunk. I miss it. Everyones present should turn up tomorrow, I hope they like them. Im not even gonna look at my bank balance this week, I just dont want to know how much money Im getting through. Worry about when Im having to take shots at bailiffs.
Blaggard [11:49 AM]
Well last night was quiet. We sat in the PJM bar, I drank bottled shit all night. Jason decided after his marathon on Friday night to simply get pissed again. Ah yes Friday night after Id gone he managed to slam down 3/4 of a bottle of Vodka, several beers and large amount of cocktail. He then threw up, danced and then threw up somemore. Went to the laundry and started asking the people in there if they were American or not before going home to cook a waffle and throwing up twice more. Palin relayed the grim details to me.
Yes the bar was quiet. Most people were going to the xmas bash in the union. With Whigfeild and that Facist Jackbooter from Big Brother on there. We avoided it. Ri went. Was back by the time we got here. Palin reckons he heard her with someone. Which would explain the early return. Although I didnt hear any shagging and Im in the room next to her. Paper walls. Any I sort of collapsed on my bed and slipped out of it till 3am. Not drunk Id like to add.
Palin said she was then up half the night vomiting in the toilet. I woke at around 7:30 and had some fucked up halucanation. I came around and saw and massive grinning Palin looking at the corner of the room. I stuck my fingers up to it. I think I was somewhere between dream and awake state. I didnt really get back to sleep and heard Rihan vomit twice after that point. Infact now I think about it I might have heard her at it next door. Maybe that was just in the mind though. I havent seen her today, infact only spoke to Palin.
Just bought everyone xmas presents. Blown well over £100 on shit, still havent got anything for Khang and Jason. I probably wont bother with Khang.
Fish has bought me some imported Cannabis Vodka. Ive order his today, a Smirnoff Black Label gift set. I was going to get Gemma something really fantastic but Rach and Tracy said it wouldent be wise, which is probably right. Dont want it to seem like im trying to buy her, not that is what I was trying to do. This week is going to be very hard on the pocket, CompSoc bbq tomorrow(yes I know what I fucking said, but that was Marks Hat) then me and Cal were planning on some hideous booze up on Wednesday sometime.
Ive been invited to Xmas meal thing at Fish's house later. Im looking forward to that, got a bottle of high grade wine to take with me.
Blaggard [2:06 PM]
Theives steal two paintings
I have a certain amount of admiration for good ole time crooks like these. Good on em, there hasnt been a good ole heist in too long.
We went to the PJM bar kareoke on Thursday night. Rihan won second prize, got pissed and despite what she says she was sick in the downstairs toilet. Last night was another party in 112, an xmas party. Got very drunk very quick and talked to one of the guys on my course called Andy, he has a beard. He is getting some Ketamin this weekend, ketamin would be cool. Fuck knows where he is getting his supply from, even weed is hard to get your hands on in this town. He said his stash run out ages ago and hasnt been able to get his hands on any despite putting out more feelers than an octopus. Fish has ordered me some cannabis vodka for xmas, that should be fucking sweet!
So anyway, Jason got himself into some hideous state as usual, infact me and him started on the booze at around 6pm in the kitchen. He drank an absolute ton of vodka. We were heading of down town a taxi pulled up and started honking so we just got into it. Hehe, went straight to The Glen. I drank a large amount of booze. In the end I reckon I slung around 9 pints down my throat. I feel like absolute shite.
Things are still pretty awkward between me and Gemma at the moment. We never even spoke until she had a few drinks but then it was just like it always was between us, laughing and joking. Rachel told me later that Gem thought I was ignoring her, I thought the same thing about her. She also said I have a calming effect on Gem. Ive never noticed that, but she says I really calm her down. Things I think will be ok though. It occured to me last night in my drunken insanity that Rach always ends up as a go between for everyone and their problems. No one is ever their for her when has things going on. Which is wrong, she is a good friend to me as well. I felt really bad sticking her between me and Gem on Tuesday night. She told me last night she felt really awkward and just didnt know what to say. Niethier would I. I time everything wrong.
Oh shit almost forgot, I went into the damn sea again.
Blaggard [10:59 AM]
Me and Gemma talked last night. She came round and we talked. She said she didnt know what to say. I told her that I was sorry for making her feel bad, that I the idea was to make her happy. She blushed. I said sorry for having the tact of breeze block.
We sorted it out. I got all the heavy shit out of my system yesterday. Yes, it still hurts but I dont feel that torn up anymore or that sad. Actually I was smiling when she left last night. You see it occured to me Im not 15 anymore. Im that little fucking shit of a child I was. Despite what I think sometimes. What would be the point of going into one of those childish destructive spirals again. Is that going to make her want to be with me ? Of course it isnt. If anything it is only going to hurt or make her resent me. Hurting her is the last thing I want to do. Someone once said, cant remember who, if you love someone the only thing that matters is making sure that person is happy, getting it back from the person comes last. That I feel is the way it should be. We are still friends, that was made clear by both of us. When you think about it that is fantastic in itself. We still get to share our problems, talk and get very drunk with each other.
She handled it all very well I think. Least while she was around me it seemed that way. For some reason I have a grin on my face.
Blaggard [1:05 PM]
I feel so tired and drained. The bad kind of tired that cant be cured with 10 hours sleep. The kind of tired that just makes you want to slit your wrists, the tired of my life tired. Ive just been lying on my bed since my last post with the occasional violent spasm of sadness. I havent felt this down, this fucked up in such a long time. On the plus side my UML diagram is complete and so with it my work for the project. Hoo fucking ray. Fuck the project, I dont care about anything anymore. All I want is oblivion.
Blaggard [1:04 PM]
Why does God fucking hate me. All my life Ive tried so hard to be nice to people, tried so hard to be a person that someone could love. I made the gamble and as I have always done through my life I fucked it up. Im such a fucking loser.
I asked her out properly she just said "please dont do this" I decided it was all or nothing before I went out so I just carried on anyways. She said she likes me as a friend nothing more. I know that wasnt a lie. I know she cares and I know this must be hurting her. I fucking hate myself for making her feel this way. She said she felt really bad. I wish she was angry, I wish she would hate me, I wish she had screamed at me. I wish she would have teared at my throat. Anything other than care. You always hurt the ones you love, how can I say I like her so much when Ive just made her hurt.
I cried myself to sleep, woke up and started crying again. Im crying now. Im absolutly torn apart. Rachel said would make such a good couple. I want to fucking die. I cut my arms up this morning when I woke up. Little slits up and down. I just couldent cut the mainline though, just couldent end it. I know it would destroy her. Ive hurt her enough I feel. Rachel says Gemma is going to come and see me today. I will break down and as soon as she walks through the door. How could I do this to her. Why does god hate me. Why does he make me suffer this shit time after time. I tried so hard with Gemma, I thought she liked me. Well she does, she told me just not in the way I like her. Im such a fuckup.
I trashed the kitchen last night. Im going to destroy myself, its the only way I know how to kill these feelings at least for a while.
I never meant to hurt you Gemma, I only wanted to make you happy. Im so sorry you ever met a terminal fuckwit like me.
Blaggard [10:47 AM]
I won a fucking bong. Yes right here I have a green alien headed shaped bong on my desk looking at me with big black eyes. Cool. I signed up to live with the other house next year. Which kinda sucks cause no Palin around. I like living with Palin he is a good laugh and easy to live with. Yet I mesh so well with everyone in the other house.
A little bit of asking around looks like my gamble may pay off. Which if it does will change everything. Everything. Im going to ask the person involved tomorrow. Rachel seems to think said person would definatly be up for it.
Blaggard [12:11 AM]
Im considering taking a bit of a gamble. It is definatly one of those all or nothing things. Eithier things will work out the way I hope or Ill be totally fucked. I really dont know whether to make this gamble or not. I cant live with the idea of not knowing the awnser to it and yet if the gamble is wrong it will tear me apart I feel. Then it will be back to... well lets not even think about that shit. This has to be done right.
Im going to a quiz later.
Blaggard [7:20 PM]
Gemma, Rachel, Tracy, Fish, Jason, Spencer n me just all went down to the sea in blinding heavy rain. Its virtually a gale out there. It was nice.
Tomorrow we are sorting out our house for next year, there is gonna be eight of us in the one house I think. That should be pretty crazy. Then Lord of the Rings quiz in the reunion and RocSoc on Tuesday. I got a good feeling about this week.
Blaggard [11:58 PM]
We hit spoons for 11:30 and got into the drink. Got lunch in Lord Beechings where I had the most fantastic gammon steak I have ever got my teeth into. It was delicious. I ended up getting pretty drunk. Everyone was all over the place, we started playing drinking games in Varsity at about 6:30, where I was drunk of my ass.
The full pub list was: Spoons, Beechings, Cambrain, Acadamy, Pier Inn, Varsity, Bar Esstential, Schloars and then The Glen. Never been into Scholars before it was nice. Went into The Glen and lasted about 5 minutes. The heat in there was so intense and I was very drunk, began to feel very sick and began to hyper ventilate a bit. Left and sat outside on a bench. There was some guy from my CompSci class pissed up on the bench. Someother guy was there and we helped him to the sea wall to be sick, he wasnt. Some other guy came along and took him off. Fish came out thinking Id gone crazy, he didnt beileve me when I told him I was feeling sick which was actually the case. Then Gemma came out and sat with me. We talked for hours, literally. She is such a fantastic person. Everyone went home and we just stayed down there. Didnt get back till 3am. Im not going to lay down what we talked about here. She is fantastic.
Blaggard [4:34 PM]
Nothing is static everything is falling apart.
Yesterday was the most fantastic day ever. It was brilliant, it meant so much to me. Im going to write about it all in detail, all accept the most special part. That one Im saving just for me and any sea creatures that happened to be crawling round the beach at the time.
Everything I ever learnt about life up to now could well be turning out to be wrong. I may have be looking at it in the wrong way.
Blaggard [12:08 PM]